Work. In Progress.

Some things are easy.  Most are not.

I had a mental breakdown yesterday.  It involved tears. Pouting.  HandsUpInTheAirWhereDoIGoFromHere-ing. And some solid recognition.  I came to accept that if I want to become a full time photographer doing so is going to take a lot longer than I would like. Or, at least I'm trying to accept that.  It's a work in progress , really.  Like not eating the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting.

Right now, in this life, this moment, I don't have time to market myself.  I can't spend hours toiling over a design for business cards and although I bought my domain name, I don't know the first thing about a photography website.  I don't have the capacity to organize creative photo shoots and network with others in the wedding industry who work with the kind of client that fits my style of portraiture.  If I did have the serendipity to run into someone needing a photographer, I don't have business cards to hand out.  Or a website to direct potential clients to.

I don't have the time/money to attend workshops.  To learn.  Grow.  Explore my ability.

I don't have the money to buy the lenses I need.  The lighting accessories.  The computer.

But I want to. I wish I could.  More than anything.

So very badly.

My whole life I've dreamed of being an artist.  (Okay, okay, and a ballerina.  And a doctor.  And a teacher.  The other three didn't pan out.) But I never planned on becoming a photographer.  I fought against it for a while, actually.  When people would compliment my photos, I gave 110% of the credit to my Nikon.  It's still hard for me not to.  I'm sure part of it stems from my insecurities.  The feeling that by being so self-deprecating, it'll take the sting out of any other criticism that may come my way.

I am so inspired by the people who are living their dreams.  Who took the plunge.  No holds barred.  Jumped.  Anda.  Jasmine.  My newest stalkee Gladys.  I watch them, every day, as they continue to create amazing things, and I get jealous.  Insanely jealous.  Green-in-the-face-steam-coming-out-of-my-ears-lock-Cinderella-in-the-attic jealous.  In the most complimentary and friendly fashion, of course.  

I want to have the freedom to create art, every day.  To live my story.  To be my story.

The real truth I came to last night, as I sat in a teary wet heap on my kitchen floor, is that this is my story.  Every word of it.  Each and every step I take towards the achievement of my dream is worth taking.  No matter how small.  Even if I am sitting still, at least I am not moving backwards.

This will have to be my new mantra.  As I watch, from the sidelines, as these three amazing women take the 2011 wedding season by storm.  I'll practice whenever I can.  I'll still try and snag some new clients along the way.  And when 2012 gets here, and brings with it the end of the world, I will be ready to dive full force into my very own, my very first, official wedding season.  I hope 2011 brings me many more opportunities to practice.  To hone.  To grow.

And if you know someone who could use a photographer, please, in the name of all that is holy (and for the sake of keeping me off the kitchen floor) send them my direction.

Cheers,
A

PS:  I managed to build a photography blog.  You can find it here.  Bookmark it if you'd like.  Share it with friends.  It'd mean the world to me.