Work. In Progress.
Some things are easy. Most are not.
I had a mental breakdown yesterday. It involved tears. Pouting. HandsUpInTheAirWhereDoIGoFromHere-ing. And some solid recognition. I came to accept that if I want to become a full time photographer doing so is going to take a lot longer than I would like. Or, at least I'm trying to accept that. It's a work in progress , really. Like not eating the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting.
Right now, in this life, this moment, I don't have time to market myself. I can't spend hours toiling over a design for business cards and although I bought my domain name, I don't know the first thing about a photography website. I don't have the capacity to organize creative photo shoots and network with others in the wedding industry who work with the kind of client that fits my style of portraiture. If I did have the serendipity to run into someone needing a photographer, I don't have business cards to hand out. Or a website to direct potential clients to.
I don't have the time/money to attend workshops. To learn. Grow. Explore my ability.
I don't have the money to buy the lenses I need. The lighting accessories. The computer.
But I want to. I wish I could. More than anything.
So very badly.
My whole life I've dreamed of being an artist. (Okay, okay, and a ballerina. And a doctor. And a teacher. The other three didn't pan out.) But I never planned on becoming a photographer. I fought against it for a while, actually. When people would compliment my photos, I gave 110% of the credit to my Nikon. It's still hard for me not to. I'm sure part of it stems from my insecurities. The feeling that by being so self-deprecating, it'll take the sting out of any other criticism that may come my way.
I am so inspired by the people who are living their dreams. Who took the plunge. No holds barred. Jumped. Anda. Jasmine. My newest stalkee Gladys. I watch them, every day, as they continue to create amazing things, and I get jealous. Insanely jealous. Green-in-the-face-steam-coming-out-of-my-ears-lock-Cinderella-in-the-attic jealous. In the most complimentary and friendly fashion, of course.
I want to have the freedom to create art, every day. To live my story. To be my story.
The real truth I came to last night, as I sat in a teary wet heap on my kitchen floor, is that this is my story. Every word of it. Each and every step I take towards the achievement of my dream is worth taking. No matter how small. Even if I am sitting still, at least I am not moving backwards.
This will have to be my new mantra. As I watch, from the sidelines, as these three amazing women take the 2011 wedding season by storm. I'll practice whenever I can. I'll still try and snag some new clients along the way. And when 2012 gets here, and brings with it the end of the world, I will be ready to dive full force into my very own, my very first, official wedding season. I hope 2011 brings me many more opportunities to practice. To hone. To grow.
And if you know someone who could use a photographer, please, in the name of all that is holy (and for the sake of keeping me off the kitchen floor) send them my direction.
PS: I managed to build a photography blog. You can find it here. Bookmark it if you'd like. Share it with friends. It'd mean the world to me.