The Airing of the Grievances

As is a Festivus tradition
here, via this blog,
in no particular order
I shall air my grievances.

I shall
in the spirit of Festivus
call out those
who have annoyed me
over the course of the past year.

And if you made the list
then I ask that
in the Spirit of Christmas
you forgive me my grievances
and give me a gift anyway.

Here we go:

*Line Whiners.  It's the holidays, folks.  You're going to have to stand in line.  Yes, there should probably be more than two employees at Gap's cash wrap three days before Saint Nick slides his fast ass down your chimney, but when there are only two overworked, underpaid, smiling employees behind that massive counter and you are forced to stand in a line that meanders nearly out the door, quit your bitching!  We're all, you know, the restivus, waiting too.  Just like you are.  Maybe you could take these extra few moments to ponder what it is you are buying, and maybe even decide that you can, in fact, live without it.  Put it back.  Nay, throw it back thus forcing a Gap employee to spend hours folding and re-folding unwanted merchandise further preventing him/her from assisting customers who wish to actually purchase something and are, quite frankly, sick of standing next to your complaining self in the line-that-just-won't-end.

*Express Lane Item Counters. Please. Pleeeeeeeeazzze.  In the name of all that is Holy: Stop counting how many items people have in their carts.  And, if they happen to have more than 10, please keep it to yourself.  Sometimes, people are in a hurry.  Sometimes they have a Yoga class to get to. Or a last minute bank deposit to make. Or need to get home to a baby with an erupting molar and an ear infection.  Or they are just plain rude and don't really care that they are in the express lane.  Or maybe, they just don't bother actually counting each and every item in their shopping cart.  Maybe they eyeball and think to themselves, "Eh, that looks about right." Regardless, it really is none of your business. The line will eventually move, you'll pay for your items, and be on your merry way.  Just in time to leave your cart behind my car and cut grandma off on your way out of the parking lot.

*The Biggest Loser.  First, I love you. I do. I watch you every single season, and will continue to do so as long as there are overweight people wanting to lose weight on TV is Bob.  That being said, would you get rid of the gratuitous infomercial bits not-so-conspicuously placed in the middle of the show?  After seven seasons (or is it eight?) I know that gum will curb my cravings for dessert and other sweets.  I know that Jenni-O Turkey is a much healthier option than beef.  And I get it: Vegetables!!  Fruit!!  Leave the commercials for the two minutes I look forward to fast-forwarding through and show me more Bob.  And Jillian, too for that matter.  I'm not picky...

*Spammers.  Correction: People Who Respond To Spammers.  Please.  Let this blog post serve as the Idiot's Guide On How NOT to Fall For Email Fraud.  Step One: Enable "Junk" filter on email server.  Step Two: Do not open any emails that your email is smart enough to send to your junk mailbox.  Peruse the messages, give a good once-over.  You know, make sure you didn't need that coupon from Amazon.com or J.Crew.  And then press "DELETE." Step Three: If you didn't quite understand Step Two and actually read the email read the following information VERY CAREFULLY:  You did not win an obscene amount of money due to the death of a foreign dignitary.  You are not their sole heir.  You will not receive the money once you send a small sum to a bank account in Nigeria.  Secondly, no one that you have zero recollection of giving your personal (as opposed to professional) email address to is going to send you "A Very Important Business Proposition for You!" Also, Hotmail/GMail/Yahoo is not contacting you for your email address and password so that they can ensure your account is secure.  They actually have your email address.  They own the rights to it, remember?  Your email ends @hotmail/gmail/yahoo.com?  That means they know who you are.  Second, if they are going to send you an email alert, they wouldn't be dumb enough to funnel it into your junk mail filter.  In the off chance I am wrong about this, heed the following: In the address line, it won't say, "Windows Live Team" {windowslivetomjones@yahoo.com}  It won't say this, ever.  Not even once. So don't respond with your email and password.  Pretty please?  With common sense on top? Step Four: Repeat steps 1-4 as often as necessary.

*LOLers.  If I've said it once I've said it a million times, LOL does, in fact, mean "laugh out loud."  Which stands to reason, then, that if you are using the addage you did, literally, laugh.  Out loud.  Audibly.  It is not a placeholder for "I don't know what else to say." Or "Imagine something funny written here."  Allow me to be perfectly clear, I myself utilize these three offending letters at times.  I have typed "LOL."  When I have laughed.  Out loud.  Audibly.  Otherwise, I stick to the old wisdom that if you don't have anything to say, don't LOL.

*Homophobes.  No further explanation needed.

*Overhead Bin Stuffers.  Your suitcase is beautiful.  Gorgeous.  One of a kind, even.  But it belongs in the overhead compartment.  Alone.  Without your laptop.  And your purse. And your plastic shopping bag of goodies that you couldn't live without and just had to buy before you boarded the plane to some fabulous vacation you can't really afford but you're going on anyway.  Those things? They belong under your seat.  So that my suitcase, once I finally get on the plane, has somewhere to go.  Unless you're in the bulkhead.  Without kids.  Or the need for any extra space whatsoever.  Because you are evil.  In this case, you can put your purse in the overhead compartment.  And listen to a tiny cramped baby scream in the seat behind you for the ENTIRE PLANE RIDE.

*Wikileaks.  Couldn't you have leaked some information that actually would have been helpful to the general public?  Like who shot JR?  Whether Kim Kardashian's ass is real? Barry O's birth certificate?  The names of countries in the world who would destroy us if given the opportunity and/or weapons necessary to do so?  Or given the removal of foreign aid in the form of American dollars?  Why Iceland is green and Greenland is ice?  Why people can't use blinkers?  Did the Mayans know the outcome of the 2012 election?  Did they predict Sarah Palin as victorious?  Is that why their calendar ends that year?

*That's What She Said-ers. Myself included.  Can this phrase be done now?  I'd like to stop using it, but it's just so hard.  (that's what she said.)

Okay, friends.

That's it.
That's all I've got.
This year, anyway.

Did I touch on yours?
Or did I leave something out?

Oh yeah,
I did!

*Readers who refuse to comment.

I kid, I kid.
Sort of.



  1. You, my dear friend, are one of...I take it back, THE wittiest person I know. The (that's what she said) part was hysterical...the wikileaks too! I wasn't LOL'ing...but I sure was smiling a lot!! You're damn funny! I LOVE reading your blogs every day...and seriously click on my link (it's in my favorites bar) to your blog every day...checking to see if you wrote something that day. Love it. Love you. Muah x's a million.

  2. hilarious, as always! Cheers to being back in the snowy tundra!

  3. Well, Athena, you've dragged a comment out of me for maybe the second time (part interest piqued/part procrastination). I was truly hoping for people to be personally called out (e.g. Jake, you are a grade one butt-hole). One, I agree with the LOL thing. It's weird. Even if something is funny, I'm thrown off by someone then announcing how funny it was. And it's usually something that even in the funniest possible circumstance where everything came together cosmically to make it absolutely hilarious for you; you must remember that everybody else is hearing it second hand. Here's an example: Just put the cereal box away in the refrigerator! So hungover! LOL!

    Now even in the best circumstance, say, you actually poured milk into the box with the cereal because you were lazy/hungover and didn't want to use a bowl but then (due to your slow moving alcohol filled brain) you realized that there was a hole in the plastic lining and the milk was quickly soaking the box and you were forced to eat cereal at a rate that is unsustainable but for short bursts of time and you raced to beat the clock which in this case is the box disintegrating in your lap and when that timer goes off your lap will be filled with soggy bits of cardboard and even soggier bits of Raisin Nut Bran(I don't know why it's Raisin Nut Bran, it's your LOL story) and so your spoon is like the arm of a windmill in overdrive. It is more firing blasts of oat bran and raisin in the vicinity of your mouth than it is feeding you and milk is in your eyebrows and raisins are stuck to your face and occasionally the spoon is actually hitting you in the tooth, such is the ferocity with which you are consuming Raisin Nut Bran. You feel the bottom of the box start sag a little and you put a hand there and can feel milk start to dribble out and you're only about two thirds through the box and so you bear down, a look of maniacal determination on your face and at this moment your significant other comes out of the bedroom, fresh from shower (and decidedly less hungover than you)and strolls into the kitchen to find you in all of your breakfast depravity. Does she say LOL?

    Oh and second, I'm all for Wikileaks. As for Barry's birth certificate, that's a pretty old chestnut: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/06/obama-birth.html
    or there are hundreds of other sites with copies of it or you can pull up the Honolulu paper where they announce his birth. As for Kimmy's ass, I too would like to conduct some experiments on it to find out if it is real.

  4. Having both James and Athena writing in one blog is heaven for the LOL (like me, i actually did LOL!) Love you guys.